not important but curious and awake

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i smiled the whole way back from the supermarket while biking home for an hour because i was a little time with my crush……omg… im cute and weird. butttt he acts normal yay!!!!!!!

Filed under love crush

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Idk what happens but i cant do this. I blow shit up. I want clarity and it’s not clear. I want love and it’s not. I aim for it but i miss a lot lately, that’s what it feels like. A big failure. It’s not. A friend sees me. I wish more people saw me. I wish he hadn’t said that my blog is weird. It’s personal and i can’t get over it that he doesn’t see that. I can’t get over it that he was magical that night. Maybe because i had too much alcohol in my system. This morning, i can barely eat… Thinking about him, all the fucking time… Why don’t he like me :( i like him and i need to rehab because the feeling isnt mutual and its hard to rest that case. Love…. Where u at bro

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By the way, this became my diary instead of a blog so idk if anyone i know hangs around here a lot so he or she can read anything on my mind, so then you’re doing a great job ;)

Filed under diary blog mind

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We decided to hang out and see what happens… I cant want to do thisss lol ok tomorrows family day from my father and i really want to go for the (probably) nice food and for a good talk with family i barely see :).lol also, i miss him and id love to cuddle with him and kiss him a lot and just idk, no relation though lol -_- we’re not ready for that kind of commitment :D ok sleepwell xx

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Okay so we kissed and now idk what to do anymoreew. I was drunk but in love and he was high and idk whatever that means but he said he didn’t see and i threw my head down from his stupid actions when i tried to make him understand that i reaally liked him. He told me to make a wish and i found that really stupid because all i wanted was him to kiss me but i couldnt say it that way:s but he finally understood and we kissed for like an hour lol And everybody at the party knew of course and damnnn ok so when i left with friends, i hugged him lastly and rveryone screamed a bit and he didnt seem to care like: yeah she’s nothing, it’s not gonna work out. Thats what i felt qhen i hugged him. I talked to him the last time before i went to sleep and he said something boring but probably stoned and drunk lol, still having my doubts.. I really just want him to lay down with me and kiss and touch me and talk to me and daamn. Kanskznsnwak when will something happennnn. Im te kind of person who wants to go fast to see if something lastst longer. But nothing ever works with me. People go slowly and even forget what they loved. So…

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Oh and im angry at him because i like him so much and he didnt try to stay with me to make sure i stepped into da bus :/ every other girl or boy did this with me… Its like he doesnt matter if something would happen. I looked behind me many times just to imagine they would return and wait with me but no they didnt. I was left alone in the dark.

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Love is such a weird thing .. You want to be with someone and talk to them all the time and want to connect with them and be touched by them and touch them yourself and kiss and hug and love and laugh and just be around them. You’re a little obsessed before you get them and after that you’ll do anything to make it out alive together :p

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Yesterday evening…
We went to see the movie(very fucking bad movie though..) but he didnt make a move and we sat there both arms on the same side and i hoped he would slightly touch me but he didnt. Maybe cuz we were too stoned? Nahh or ??
After the movie we chilled for a bit in some town to play and smoked a little and he didnt make a move. I made him stare into my eye -_- cuz i thought something was in it. And i eanted him to slook :p but nothingfff pfd and when i had to take the bus home, the guys didnt want to wait with me for the bus…. So my girlfriend couldnt wait too cuz she had to bike home with someone too. And i was left alone, wondering what to do or to think of to feel. And instill dont know aftrr a night of sleep. When we got home he asked me on whatsapp if i made it home safe :(

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So, what is the essence of my life? I want to make art anytime. I thought about flushing the toilet or something with that as a performance or videoart idk.

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I’m so excited to go to a club with more gender lovers :) I just want to meet someone like meee. And a friend of me is going with me so it won’t be awkward. 

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I might go see him tomorrow but idk if theres enough time … If there is :) i will go and give dis bish a smoothy…

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my crush went on my tumblr and was like; omg a lot of naked people and random pictures. it was not really nice to hear though :( but i kept smiling and pffff. i embarrased myself i think. and today he wasnt at school and i dont want to ask why becuse i dont want to seem so obsessed with him lol. long story short; i like him and i dont like that.