not important but curious and awake

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I might go see him tomorrow but idk if theres enough time … If there is :) i will go and give dis bish a smoothy…

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my crush went on my tumblr and was like; omg a lot of naked people and random pictures. it was not really nice to hear though :( but i kept smiling and pffff. i embarrased myself i think. and today he wasnt at school and i dont want to ask why becuse i dont want to seem so obsessed with him lol. long story short; i like him and i dont like that.

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omggg i need to stop myself!!!! whenever i like someone i just start talking to them like crazy, i ust can talk for hours because im into this person and it seems like im not myself and im scared that he or she noticed, now it’s a he… and i can’t hellp myself xd i talked to him on whatsapp and skype just a minute ago :S damn. stop dari wtf.

Filed under love into imintohim talk

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Purplebuddhaproject

If you were feeling down but you feel a bit better now, go to purplebuddhaproject.tumblr.com and read what it has to say. It is all very true and might make you feel calm. Let it all flow over you and feel what happens to your energy and calmt. Mindfulness. Namaste.

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I want to sit on ur lap and touch u slightly and bend backwards to whisper something cute in your ear. Which makes you want to stand up and take my by the hand run away. Walk for a couple of minutes into the forest. So we can talk and cuddle. And you tell me that you like me and i laugh about it but then you kiss me and i kiss back and we hug and kiss and our hands disappear in our clothes and we love and love and nothing matters anymore. Only us. We kiss and we touch and our clothes come off and we feel and we feel pleasure and we notice every part of each other. We love. But than i cry. It’s late. We smoke you dry my tears and wash away all the pain. What is it? It’s my life i think. No, my existence. And we walk away and he keeps talking to me while he holds my hand tight and this is how i wanted it to be. This is how i would like him ever to be but he wasnt you and i hope you will be nice to me. Dont leave me behind. Dont say no sorry. Dont tell me i see everything wrong and dont tell me who you think I am because i might not be ad you might ruin the picture i have of myself, you might ruin me. And when i leave you, say no goodbye. I never prepared for the goodbye but when i leave i wont knock on your door to tell you im continuing with my life as i knew it before you and before my troublemind. Just say nothing and keep quiet. Dont think too muj because you wouldn’t understand. Because you don’t want to understand, because i tried to ecplain many times. Because it hurt too much to repeat and you made me feel silly for ecery little thing i said . Don’t contact me wen its over :( i can’t. If you didn’t make me sad all the time i wouldn’t mind. But you did, twice. And im mad at myself for letting it happen twice. And mad at you for being who you are and not seeing that what you said and did hurt me many times. What uou did was disrespectful. You thought i thought you were cheating on me but i thought i lost you because you didnt show affection. I tried to pull you back and we still had sex but i tried too hard and i pushed you away. I made it harder while i didnt even want to stay but i felt responsible for connections you dont have. That there is almost no one to talk to for you but me. How could i take that away from you?????? I still hurt. After all this time.

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i dont know if my mother is just having a breakdown or because of her transition…but she just kind of said I was being dumb or …i didn’t do enough for school, i was bragging about biking to school and that it made me tired and like i was making up excuses not to go to school tomorrow, while i am just life-tired atm. :( but really motivated for school!! and i doubt that she knows that. how i started working for school on my vacation. how i studied for everything and im just trying my hardest to do everything right. and i choose others, like her before my own priorities , i changed them for them. i have done a lot lately to work this out. my thoughts, my life, my future and my family and friends and most important; my identity. i am very independent. whatever childish inside of me: i’ll keep it save. use it when i can. but i cant deny my deep desires.

Filed under mother

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today I felt like an old lady who confuses a sexual touch with a accidental touch hahahaha omg. I laughed when i thought about it at the moment. I was standing next to a good friend who has a girlfriend but we once liked each other ever and his bag handle swung into my leg and it felt like it was his leg moving sensually against mine xD I felt so dumb when I saw it was his bag while I thought I was being loved lolllllll I need sex.

Filed under sex

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I lost my ring for a day and it has a real diamont in it so I was pretty scared :s but found itttt. And today was nice :) I love when I give love and I get love back :)

Filed under love good day

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Don’t regret things, you’re disrespecting yourself if you do this. If the things you did were the things you wanted to do, then don’t regret it. Move on, enjoy life and enjoy yourself!
Regretting things makes you think you weren’t allowed to do those things you did, but what happens happens. Accept it and move on and love yourself!!! No regrets. 

Filed under regret regrets love yourself you respect past pressence

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LAst night was freakin awesome!!! Went to a festival with a bunch of friends and we had so much fun. it was a great time omg :)

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this morning or night idk he sent me a text with him finding out i blocked and deleted him off of everything and he was ok with that and he felt guilty because after he said one thing wrong I talked to him weirdly but he will never realize that i never wanted to be friends and whatever he did was fuck me up and whatever i did was trying to get away from that. he doesn’t get that he is not still making mistakes after the relationship, but he made them in the relationship, twice. And I was sick and tired of it and I did not want to be friends and I used him as a friend when I needed him, but minimal…because I was not responding very nicely. Not my fault that he told me he was patient. and if he weren’t we would’ve had broken up by now, lol. so fuck him. why is he even sending me this text after everything we’ve been through….why can’t he just let it rest because I try and I thought I blocked his number…but anyways…I didn’t respond. I deleted the message immediately. I don’t know what he expected me to do with it because I am done with him. 101%. for a very fucking long time now. Even NOW while I deleted him out of everything I possibly know, he tries to communicate with me because I was being rude by deleting him. WELL FUCK YOU. I don’t need to explain myself to him, I don’t need to respond, I don’t need to be kind. I want to be who I want to be and you can’t hold me back no more, fuck you and you’re fucking thoughts. stop talking to me. never ever do that again. I can’t bare it. If I could, I would not have to delete you…. It’s the only way I could forget about everything!!!! He doesn’t see much. But I do see that he doesn’t. And that’s what matters most I guess. he doesn’t have to be right when he says he sees right through me, because I know he doesn’t. :)